I heard a woman on the radio say she came home from work one day so stressed out and filled with negative self-talk that she realized her head was not a safe place for her to be. She sat in the bath and listened to a podcast to drown out her inner voice. She figured it had nothing good to say to her.
We all have a set inner voice – it’s called the default mode network. For some of us, it’s kind and friendly. For others, it’s a tyrant, a real mean son of a gun. And it can get even meaner when something stressful happens.
This inner bully can be so nasty and brutal that listening to it for even a few seconds is unbearable. Every measure is taken to drown out this voice: constant checking of our phones, TV on loud in the background, always needing to be talking and to be with other people, all kinds of entertainment, drugs and alcohol. We each have our regular coping mechanisms. I saw a guy in a jazz club who was there on a date, and he had a jazz ensemble playing live right in front of him, and still that wasn’t enough. He kept grabbing his phone.
I kinda used to do that too – though not on a date cause I really like dates, and if I’m not present on a date, then when will I ever be present? I constantly filled my senses so that I wouldn’t hear what my inner voice had to say. It was like a nagging and critical roommate I tried to avoid by staying out late. But she ambushed me. She’d get me suddenly and start telling me how I always made mistakes, how I was a fake, how I was undeserving, and unimportant. It was disheartening. Was I really such a piece of crap that I deserved nothing better than this emotional abuse? It would have been unthinkable that I would speak to another person the way I spoke to myself. I was anxious from hearing this voice, and from trying to outrun it and block it out. It was not a skilful nor peaceful way to live.
There is so much stress for us to cope with already in this world. If we top that off with inner words that cause more stress, fear, doubt and put downs, no wonder so many of us have anxiety. Sometimes our heads are really not a safe place for us to be.
But that can be changed.
I was able to make my inner self a safe place to be, a kind of safe house. It took some work, time and some practice, but it was well worth the effort. There’s freedom on the other side, peace of mind, and way more love. I still practice everyday to catch myself when needed and speak to myself like all human beings deserve: with dignity, forgiveness, kindness, encouragement and compassion.
Now if I come home from a very stressful day, I want to sit quietly with myself. I want to hear what my inner voice is saying because if it is critical and bullying, I want to manage it. Your brain and your body hear everything your default mode network says. I don’t want some part of me to be left alone listening to this voice. I want to transform what it’s saying to me. This is something that I learned to do.
The thing is, this inner voice, this default mode network, it doesn’t change on its own. It doesn’t just suddenly get better on its own. It needs YOU to decide to transform it from bully to friend, from nasty to kind. It needs YOU to choose a path where there is more love, a sense of worthiness, more joy, and more inner peace.
Today’s takeaway is this: it is fully in your power to change your default inner voice. Life comes to meet you when you make a true decision and set your intention. There are so many ways that you can transform your self talk whether that’s self talk transformation exercises, books, professional counselling, meditation, loving kindness practices, or all of the above. The first step is to decide, and to know that you can change if you choose to. You’re that powerful.