My young daughter for years dealt with breathing issues. I’ve lost count of how many times we’ve called the ambulance for rescue when she couldn’t breathe. The other night she started to cough. Immediately my body seized up. I mean within seconds. My inner chatter started up. “Oh no. She’s getting sick. How bad will this one be? Do I have her meds on hand? There’s a snowstorm, could we get help if we needed it? Is there anything I forgot to do to help her stay healthy? Is there anything I missed?”
I started to feel really scared.
There’s a thing called the feeling and negative self-talk loop. You start telling yourself something and you get a feeling or sensation in your body. That sensation gets your inner chatter to be even stronger, and that makes your feeling get stronger. This goes on and on until you are completely lost in the loop.
The loop can start with a feeling or it can start with what you’ve told yourself. For me this time, the loop started with a feeling – I got scared and seized up – then I started telling myself about it, then I get more scared, when I felt more scared, then my self talk got even more fearful and alarmist etc. You see what I mean?
It’s like you’ve got an inch, you scratch. Itch, scratch, itch, scratch, start again. Scratching only makes the itch get stronger. You’re in a loop.
I find that I can’t talk myself out of a loop. Like Einstein said “No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it.” I have got to elevate myself out of this loop. I’ve got to take some kind of action to loosen its grip on me. That action can be a walk, a meditation, deep breath work, journaling, yoga, laughing, a big bear hug, dancing. Something needs to break the energy of the loop. You may have a favourite action that works for you. My niece goes for a long, hard run. Once the loop is broken, then I can switch my self-talk to one that is loving, and kind, and supportive.
As soon as I realize that I’m in a self-talk loop, this is what I do. I start by giving myself directions. I tell myself:
“You’re in a loop. Let’s get you out of it.”
Then I take that action to break the loop and calm the mind and body down. Sometimes, it breaks quickly. Other times I have to give a real effort like dance for 20 minutes, or meditate of an hour.
After that, I tell myself words that encourage, that heal, that guide, that help me have courage.
And by the way, there are also positive self-talk loops that work for you. Imagine you start loving someone, you tell yourself wonderful things about this person, then you love them more, then your inner words get even lovelier and kinder, then you love them MORE. Imagine if that person was you?