Self-talk love has no conditions – it is right now

You don’t have to do anything special to deserve your own words of kindness and love.

You don’t have to be 10, 20 or 50 pounds lighter to deserve self-talk love right now.

You don’t have to be more successful or more beautiful to deserve inner words that are compassionate.

You don’t have to be so-called perfect to be worthy of a voice inside that is gentle with you and treats you as the precious person you are.

You don’t have to be anyone other than who you are right now at this moment to speak kindly to yourself.

At any moment – like this one right now -- you can choose to speak to yourself with kindness, love and compassion.  No matter what you have said to yourself before – you can choose right now to elevate yourself with your self-talk.

You have the power to reset your self-talk at any time.

It can start now!

I am not the cruel inner voice that says ugly words – I am the one who chooses to listen to them

A few days ago, I broke down crying after a voice that I have inside told me I was a piece of shit. I know. Ouch.

This came about after I had not spent much time alone with myself lately. I had been very busy for weeks and did not do my meditation and spiritual practices that keep me peaceful and grounded. I felt frazzled, fragile and disconnected going into the day.

Then I criticized my husband over something trivial and he got understandably angry. That’s when the cruel voice inside let me have it.

I listened as the inner bully told me I was bad. I was unworthy. I was mean to my husband. My house was a mess. It said I was unworthy of love, that I didn’t deserve my life, that I couldn’t do anything right. And over and over again it said that I was a piece of shit.

I was shocked by the viciousness of the attack. It had been a long time since I had spoken to myself with such venom. I started crying.

I listened in shock but also in agreement. It was true what the voice was saying.

Then I caught myself.

Woah.

And just like I would rise up to the defense of someone I love, I rose up to protect myself. I told the voice to stop.

Then I took some distance from it. I told myself that I am not the voice who says I am a piece of shit. It may be a voice that I have inside me, but it is not me.  I am the one who listens to this voice.

So I choose at that moment to stop listening to it. I choose to stop listening to the ugly words, and to speak words of compassion and love to myself instead.

I did an Inner Voice Switcheroo.

I replaced what it had been saying with words of compassion. I spoke to myself in a different voice – one that felt tenderness and kindness towards a woman who is suffering and who has just listened so such ugly words thrown at her.

How to catch and stop the negative voice inside

I am often asked how I am able to catch myself when my self-talk is negative or life-denying. This is how I do it. I wait for a signal.

A signal is a negative feeling or a sensation of discomfort in my body. When I get one, I pay attention to what I am saying inside at that moment. I take stock.

Getting a signal means that my self-talk is negative, or life-denying. I tell that voice to stop. Then I do an Inner Voice Switcheroo. I tell myself the opposite of what the negative voice was saying to me.

If it said that I am ugly, I say that I am beautiful in and out and worthy of love. If I said that I am incapable, I say that I can do it and that I am guided. I replace the ugly words with words that are loving, kind and supportive. I make that choice over and over again, day after day.

This holiday season, spend a few moments listening to yourself

This holiday season, spend some moments with yourself just like you are planning to do with your other loved ones. Take the time to listen to what your inner voice has to say.

This is how I learned to listen to myself. When I was 15 years old , my father got transferred to Greece for his work. Our family packed up the house where we had always lived. Within weeks we were in Athens. I had never even travelled overseas before. This experience changed my life forever.

The Greeks do many things very well and one of them is they take the time to connect with their friends and family every day. No day would be too busy not to take the time to share a coffee, and stories with your people.  It is never complicated:  something to drink, a little table and chairs. And voila: you connect.

At the international high school that I attended, I met my friend Mary, a beautiful, smart, humorous and vibrant Greek from New York. Mary taught me the art of sharing stories and listening. Our friendship was built brick by brick, one story at a time, first in Greece, then in the many countries and cities where we visited each other over the years. We listened to each other’s stories: the good ones, the sad ones, the humiliating ones, the super funny ones. We built trust and our stories became deeper, more personal. Some stories I kept safely tucked away until I could sit with Mary somewhere in the world. I knew she would really listen to me.

She earned my trust because she listened and honored what I said. She didn’t use my stories against me.

This is how I learned to really listen to someone. I applied what my friend Mary taught me to my self-talk. I began spending quiet time with myself – just me and me, no distractions. Asking myself questions and listening for answers. I also started keeping a journal where I could tell myself everything.

This was a huge turning point for me. I had lived most of my life before that time disembodied, not really living within myself. I could go long periods of time without paying any attention to myself. I gave myself attention only if I was sick. I didn’t know who I was, how I felt, why I made decisions or acted in certain ways. I could not have told you what my self-talk was. I didn’t listen to myself. I didn’t ask questions.

I was a complete stranger to myself. I treated myself like someone you avoid at all costs. Imagine if you came to spend the evening with someone and all they did was watch TV and ignore you. That’s what I did everyday. I did everything I could to blot my self-talk out: outings, wine, music, books, movies.

I didn’t know that it was an option to have a good relationship with myself where I lived inside, talked to myself and listened as a good friend would. I certainly didn’t know that I could speak to myself in a way that would make me feel loved, connected, wanted, and good.

This season, I invite you to sit down quietly with yourself in a space where you will not be interrupted. Show yourself that it is important to you to get together with yourself. Pick a spot that you like. Bring a cup of tea. Take a deep breath, and center yourself. Now ask yourself some questions, one at a time and listen for an answer. You can do it in writing or in your heart.

Use your self-talk to face towards who you want to be

I ask myself all the time if I am facing the right way, heading in the direction of what I want to create, and who I want to become.

When I lived in a skyscraper downtown, there was a large building behind mine. I could see into dozens of apartments in that building. While my view was south, they faced north. Their apartments were gloomy and dim, while mine bathed in sunlight. As I enjoyed incredible brightness, they lived in the dark. They lived so close to the sunlight but just couldn’t see it. They weren’t facing the right way.

Tony Robbins says that you can try very hard to see a sunset – give it all you’ve got – but if you are facing east, that’s never going to happen.

So life isn’t just about putting in the old elbow grease, it’s also about facing in the correct direction.

My meditation teacher Hoben says that all is created little by little, step by step. Just keep going in the right direction, and do your best.

My self-talk:

Keep going, step by step.

Keep trying.

Keep putting love in everyday.

Keep up your practices that do you good.

Keep doing this work that you love.

What you are doing now, is it helping you get where you want to go?

What you are saying now, is it helping you get where you want to go?

What do I want to create? Am I heading in the direction that will take me there?

Do you tell yourself that everything is wrong? I certainly have!

Do you sometimes tell yourself that EVERYTHING is going wrong? I certainly have!

When I asked my good friend how she was, she said that EVERYTHING was going wrong. After she told me about several things that did seem to suck, I asked: how’s your health?  She said great. And your friendships? Great again. And your home? That was great too.

So, I said, it doesn’t seem like EVERYTHING is wrong – just a few things. She seemed to light up right away. Even in the midst of very hard times, there can be some things that are right.

We need to be mindful about how we describe our lives. Telling yourself that everything is wrong can be very discouraging. Remember that part of you listens to everything that the other part says.

Imagine if a good friend said to you that everything in your life was terrible. Imagine how it would make you feel. You have the same impact on yourself.

To exaggerate how bad things are does not help us in any way.

To focus on what is going well can give you a boost, a new energy, and can help put perspective on how things are really going.

So answer this:

What aspects of your life are going well? Tell yourself all about it in full detail. Tell yourself how grateful you are for these blessings.

How do you speak to yourself when you are not winning?

How do you speak to yourself when you have made a mistake, when you are struggling, or when you are not “winning” – however you define the term?

I was inspired to think about it as I was watched four young guys play beach volley ball during a tournament. They had such a joyful way about them that I couldn’t take my eyes off them. Each time a rally was over, each member took the time to shake the hand of all three others and throw in a few words of encouragement to boost. It didn’t matter if they had won or lost, or if one of them had made a mistake  – the attitude was the same. You couldn’t tell whether they were winning or loosing based on their demeanor. They kept encouraging each other and keeping it light. They lost the tournament, but they seemed as merry as the winning team.

When I taught public speaking at the university, many of my students had a huge fear of speaking in front of others. So I showed them how to use their self-talk to make it much easier and more fun. They learned how to have an inner speech that was calm before the presentation. They also learned how to encourage themselves – and to stand by themselves -- however they performed. It really helped them feel more courageous, improve their skills with each new speech, and have some fun while they did it. For many of the students, public speaking went from being the bane of their existence to a cool thing to do every week.

How you speak to yourself as you struggle with whatever challenge you presently have, can make a big difference.  With your self-talk you can have more lightness, more support, and way more fun.

Stand up to your cruel inner voice

My cousin Caroline is a psychologist who for years worked with abused children in the court system.

She once told me that the children who were the most hurt were not necessarily the ones who had suffered the most abuse. The children who were the most wounded were the ones whose moms knew of the abuse and ignored it. The mothers hadn’t stood up to protect the children.

It’s very powerful when someone stands up for you. You feel supported, elevated, protected, loved. You feel like you matter.  It also makes you feel like you are not alone.

If your self-talk is cruel, critical or even verbally abusive, it’s in your power to do something about it. You can be that person who stands up for yourself. You can make a difference in your life by standing up for yourself -- against your own self.

Be careful how you speak to yourself because you are listening

Neuroimaging shows that part of your brain listens to everything that the other part says. It’s like you are having a conversation with yourself. Imagine the toll that it takes on you to be listening to an inner speech that is filled with cruelty.

So, take notice. What are you saying to yourself? Here are some of the words that my inner bully has said to me:

• Who do you think you are?
• There is something wrong with you.
• You can’t count on anyone else.
• You will always be alone.
• You are unlovable.
• You are a fraud.
• You always mess everything up.
• It’s always your fault.
• You look terrible.
• You are a bad person.

Verbal abuse is detrimental wherever it comes from – including self generated.

Once I noticed how I spoke to myself, I was able to do something about it. I choose to do something about it.

You have the power to stand up to that negative abusive voice, and protect yourself. You can be that person for yourself. You can be the person you have been waiting for all those years. You can speak to yourself like a real best friend or a loving parent would.

Self-talk for finding the middle road in your life

I used to only have two ways of being: full speed ahead or full-stop. There wasn’t much of a middle road. Now I am very interested in the middle way and I use my self-talk to guide myself there.

My whole life I would slow down only if I got sick, or completely emotionally disturbed like after a painful breakup. I would stop my frenetic pace. I would give myself permission to rest, to care for myself, to heal, even to cancel on commitments – some of which I didn’t want to do in the first place. I let myself off the hook. I also provided myself with healthy foods and lots of rest.

Then I’d get better and start my frenetic pace once more, my race to achieve and make things happen. I ate on the run. I didn’t let myself sleep enough. I underwent way too much stimulation. I overworked. I let myself be drained by people or situations that didn’t feel right for me.

I realize too that I’ve done this since I was really little. When I would need extra care or gentleness, I got sick.

Now I am very interested in the middle road. Being in the center is a new practice for me. It’s so new that it is often hard for me to recognize where the center even is.

I want to spend more time being mindful about my decisions and what I really want in my life, instead of running towards a direction. I have just so much energy, resources and time. I want to use them wisely in service of my right life. I want to pay way much more attention to myself and what I need.

My self-talk:

• Be mindful. Pay attention. You only have a certain amount of time, energy and resources. Where do you want to spend them?
• I give myself full permission to care for myself everyday.
• I have time to sit with my decisions, to feel what feels right for me.
• What is it that you really want to feel in your life as opposed to achieve?
• What is the middle road for me? What does it look like?

Thanksgiving self-talk and a free e-book for more kindness and love

In your self-talk you can remind yourself of all that you have to be grateful for, of all the small and big things for which you can offer thanks. Gratitude will elevate you each time, and help you feel the many ways in which you have abundance in your life.

To give thanks this Thanksgiving weekend, we are offering our e-book, Speaking to Yourself with Love: Transform Your Self-Talk for free.

You can download your free copy here here on Amazon:

http://amzn.to/2qYWawD

In this e-book, we will explore tools to start speaking to ourselves as a true best friend would: with patience, acceptance, compassion, kindness, and levity.

My self-talk of gratitude:

• Thank you for my health.
• Thank you for my life – all of it.
• Thank you for my friends who love me and whom I love.
• Thank you for the clean air here in our city.
• Thank you for my mom’s cooking.
• Thank you for my daughter’s gentle teacher.
• Thank you for my family.
• Thank you for my lessons.
• Thank you for all the help that comes my way in all its forms.

If the only prayer you ever say in your life is thank you, that will be enough. --Meister Eckhart

Back to school, back to work, back to real life: Self-talk for resilience

The Japanese tell each other “gannbate kudasai." It means do your best, keep it up, or hang in there. That is what I say to you my friend and to myself in this back to school/work/real life season:  gannbate kudasai!

We started strong my daughter and me. She back at school, me back at work. We had a little momentum going. And then we were back to a full crawl as she has another bout of croup – a respiratory infection.

Part of me resisted and wanted to scream nooooo – come on, not again! We had not even gotten back on track yet.

But maybe this is my back on track. This is certainly what my real life outside of summer breaks has looked like for the past six years — one respiratory issue after another.  It's been about stopping all and caring for my daughter. It was also about caring for myself as I often get very tired and frightened when she has trouble breathing.

My back to real life is about resilience, about accepting what I can’t control, about patience, calm, healing, and forgiveness. It’s about hope that she heals, that her lungs get stronger, that she grows out of it. It’s about hope that I transform my relationship with it all, and stop resisting and being so afraid.

It’s also about continuing with my life direction with a positive fierce determination, taking small steps some days and bigger leaps on other days.

Whatever your real life is, you need resilience. Whatever you are trying to accomplish: a new semester, finding work, growing your career, caring for a family, healing, getting through a tough stretch, transforming yourself – it is about keeping it up step after step, little by little, slowly, slowly. A certain amount of grit is needed.

For me, it is also about gratitude even on my most tired days. Giving thanks that I get to live this precious life, as messy, painful and chaotic as it can be.

I tell myself thank you and gannbate kudasai.

My self-talk:

• I am resilient.
• I have a fierce determination, a fire in my belly, I keep it up.
• Everything happens for me.
• Focus on what you can control.
• I take time to care for myself too.
• It’s ok, take a deep breath.
• Be gentle with yourself during this difficult time.
• Hang in there!
• Thank you!

Interview: Learn to stop beating yourself up

I really enjoyed my recent conversation with Jeffrey Shaw on Creative Warriors. We spoke about how to transform your self-talk, finding your own words of courage, and learning how to stop beating yourself up.

You can listen to the interview here:

Self-talk to be your real self when others want you to keep it hidden

I got a big blast of inspiration this week when my friend decided that it was time for her to step into her own power – no matter what the cost. She had been told by her family to keep her love for a man of another culture and race a secret.

She “came” out this week on Facebook proclaiming her love for this good and kind man. Keeping it secret was weighing her down, keeping her from shining, keeping her in hiding.

What she did took courage, and dignity, and a belief that the most important things in life --  love, compassion, beauty, and truth --  do not live in the darkness of shame.

It takes a lot of courage to go against what your family, or the people around you, believe. It takes a lot of courage to be fully yourself no matter what others think of it.

My Japanese friend faced a similar situation when she married a Ugandan man. One day, she’d had enough and said to her father: you can’t tell me who to love. He refused to speak to her for years.

To stand up for yourself, to stand powerfully in your own truth and life, is something that many of us women need to learn to do. The ways we are forced to conform and are subjugated are many: violence, shame, guilt, pressure, fear, ridicule, abandonment.

To keep the peace, or your standing in life, or your life itself– you live hiding who you really are and what you are really called to do.

The price can be very high to be yourself. In some countries, you can be killed for being a woman and following your own path..

It’s not so long ago that in my home province of Quebec one of the worst fates that could befall a woman was getting pregnant out of wedlock.

My mother told me as a young teenager that it would be a terrible thing for it to happen to me, that I would be ruined, that no man would want to marry me after that.

I don’t blame my mom. In her generation, women who got pregnant without a husband were shipped off to have the child in secret and then were forced to abandon them to adoption. There were tons of kids up for adoption in Quebec then. The orphanages were full.

When I was small, the abandoned orphanages were still there. We regularly drove by two huge empty such buildings on the side of the highway leading into Montreal. It made me really sad to look at them – though I didn’t really know why at the time.

You can still see one of them on the side of the highway as you pull into Montreal – though it has been converted to a condominium – its history and suffering whitewashed to make way for new housing.

When you know that something is wrong – when it goes against what your own inner truth says – and you say no, no more, you are sending a strong message to yourself. You are telling yourself that you are important. You are reminding yourself of your birthright: love, compassion, truth, beauty.  Part of you will feel that love. Part of you will be proud and celebrate even if you are scared.

As Howard Thurman wrote:

“There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself. It is the only true guide you will ever have."

With your self-talk, you can help yourself be the genuine you even when others want you to keep that secret, to keep that quiet.

My self-talk:

• I stand by you no matter what anyone says.
• I am proud of you.
• There is only one of you in the whole world and you have your own life and your own destiny and calling.
• I will always love you.
• I will never leave you.
• Being yourself is the most important thing you can do.
• This is who I am.

Self-talk to become who you really want to be and do what you love

My friend Marie amazes me with her determination, her ability to make her dreams come true and her optimism. I just love her spark.

Marie just got a new position in the kitchen of a prestigious new Chinese restaurant. And get this, she had to apply five times before she was hired! (Twice in job fairs, once in their career centre and twice online)

She is making me think about what I want to create in my life. Not just what I want to accomplish like writing other books -- but also who I can become, how I can thrive.

In my self-talk, I tell myself about it. I tell myself what is possible for me. My self-talk helps me reach my ultimate goal: to become a better human being.

My self-talk:

• I am very stable and solid inside despite what is happening around me.
• It is easy for me to take life as it comes instead of trying to control everything around me.
• I am authentic and simply tell the truth with as much kindness as I can.
• I am a calm, peaceful person.
• I am light and footloose like a hummingbird.
• I let others be.
• I forgive easily.
• I am determined and resilient.
• I contribute to bringing more light and love into this world.
• I wake up filled with energy, joy and a delight to have another day to live my life.
• I love myself unconditionally.
• I love life. It is a gift.
• I feel my feelings fully – all of them.
• I know who I am.
• I take good care of my body, mind and spirit.

Another inspirational story about Marie and her ability to make her dreams come true is featured in my book Speaking to Yourself with Love: Transform Your Self-Talk in the chapter about being your own lighthouse, or choosing words of guidance.

Self-talk for choosing forgiveness and letting go

My cousin and I were chatting recently about how important forgiveness is in all its forms. Self-forgiveness and forgiving others frees us. Forgiving keeps us from wasting energy, time and resources that would be better spent in other ways. It cuts the ties that bind us to individuals who have hurt us, and from which we want to move on. It keeps our hearts from corroding from resentment.

Thing is though, we weren’t sure how you really go about forgiving either yourself or someone else. If you don’t feel forgiveness, how can you forgive?

I know that everything starts with an intention – so it must be that way with forgiveness. You have to want to forgive more adamantly than you want to hang on to a hurt, an injustice or a grudge. You need to want to choose forgiveness as the way forward in your life – even if you are hurting.

Perhaps forgiveness is a choice that we make. Perhaps we have to make it over and over again – maybe every day.

Perhaps forgiveness is really letting go, so that we can turn the page.

My self-talk:

• I choose to forgive.
• I really want to forgive this person.
• I am ready to forgive myself.
• I don’t have the resources to waste on hanging on to this person/story anymore. I want to be free.
• I forgive myself too, so that I am capable to be there for myself now.
• I want to meet with myself today, not stuck in an old story from the past.
• I choose love.

The flat tire: self-talk for emergency self-care

When your mind, body or spirit are showing signs of needing rest, of needing care or healing, stop and take the time that’s needed. In your self-talk, you can give yourself permission to do so.

Think of it like getting a flat tire.

If you are driving down the street and you suddenly get a flat tire, would you keep driving? You would stop and take care of what needs taking care of. You would do that no matter what you had planned that day. You would do that no matter what commitments were hanging over your head. You would put all else on hold while you dealt with what needs to be dealt with -- even if it was highly inconvenient.

Now, what could happen if you didn’t pull over to fix the tire? It could lead to a bunch of problems much worse and more dangerous than a flat tire. You could damage the car. You could loose control of the vehicle. You could hurt yourself, or even kill yourself, or the individuals unlucky enough to be in your way.

Well that is how it needs to be with self-care. When your mind, body, or spirit are suffering from a flat tire, you need to fix it without delay.

Taking the time you need to heal yourself is preventative. Unless you want to move on to a more dangerous and damaging situation, you really have no choice but to stop. When your health and wellbeing are at stake, you slow down your life and take care of yourself.

As Audre Lorde said:

I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent.

Caring for myself is an act of survival.

My self-talk:

• I take good care of myself.
• I am worthy of self-care.
• I take all the time that I need to nurture my health and well-being.
• I just don’t have the resources to do everything that I used to do. Right now, I need to care for myself.
• I know I had other plans but this is what is needed today.

Changing how you talk to yourself about your sensitivity

Once you know who you really are, you can change your inner story about yourself. That’s what happened when I discovered that I am a highly sensitive person (HSP). I went from putting myself down for being different and easily overwhelmed, to being more understanding, patient, and accepting.

One of my friends is a pastry chef. She is kind, talented and gentle. This morning she told me about how she puts herself down for not being more like her own mother – a successful entrepreneur and gregarious community leader. She has spent her whole life criticizing herself for what she sees as a flaw in her character.

High sensitivity is not a flaw. It’s a genetic difference that makes us no better and no worse than others. One out of five people are highly sensitive. Research shows that our brains are wired differently to capture a lot more sensory information than regular folk. We deeply analyze everything. We are way more sensitive to our environment, and to the people around us. We are aware of subtleties, and can be more easily over stimulated. Also, our empathy for others is also off the charts.

This all makes it a trickier to navigate through life.

We exist because we are needed. We are the healers, the teachers, the writers, the musicians, the peace-makers, the gardeners, the nature-lovers, and the artists. We are those who in time before advised the king not wage war. Who would we be without the sensitive individuals who create connection and meaning in this world?

Before I found out I was an HSP, my self-talk used to go like this:
• I don’t fit in like others do.
• I feel lost in a group.
• I feel stressed out when too many people are around me.
• What’s wrong with me?
• Why is everything so complicated with me?
• I am overwhelmed by life.

Now my self-talk is more along these lines:
• I am a highly sensitive person and that’s ok.
• There are many other people like me. I am not alone.
• Sure there are challenges in being an HSP, but there are also a lot of advantages.
• I am going to give myself the time I need to be alone, and find my center again.
• This world needs more beauty and sensitivity. And I am making an important contribution.
• I am lucky to be me.
• I am feeling overwhelmed right now. I am going to take some time to calm down.

Here’s an interesting Ted Talk on The Gentle Power of Being a Highly Sensitive Person.

Self-talk to let your light shine

My friend rescued a little sausage dog that came from a puppy mill that also doubled as a meth lab. The combination just horrified me with its depravity and darkness.

I thought that it was time for me to stop pussy footing around, to stand more solidity for what I believe, and to deepen my practice so that I can in turn bring more light to this world. It needs it in a big way. How long do I think life is that I can spend so much time second guessing myself?

I can tell you that life is really short. I lost two people that I love very much within just a few months of each other. There’s no time to waste to lead your right life and be 100% exactly who you are in all its goodness and messy glory.

I am not saying fight. We have enough fight in this world. You don’t have to fight darkness, just turn on your inner light. Your self-talk can help you with that.

My self-talk:
• I stand solidly for what is true, good, and beautiful
• I trust in you. I have faith in you.
• It is your birthright to be yourself and shine.
• Be diligent in all your practices that keep you centered, grounded and feeling solid like positive and loving self-talk, meditation, writing, dance and swimming.
• Be you. As they say, everyone else is taken.

Self-talk for self-respect: the break up part 2

As I recounted in my most recent blog, many years ago my boyfriend moved out of the country quite unexpectedly leaving me crestfallen. He left so quickly that he didn’t have time to clean out his apartment. In a show of love for him, and a total disrespect for my own feelings and self-love, I agreed to be the one to do it.
Standing in his empty apartment with a mop in hand made the whole experience even more painful.

I would show more respect for myself today, and honour my feelings. I would use my self-talk to support myself and to provide myself with the dignity and care I needed to get through that difficult time.

What is self-respect exactly? It is behaving in a way that honours yourself and your feelings.

My self-talk:
• I respect you.
• You need a lot of care right now. You are not going to put yourself through that.
• It’s ok to say no. In fact, it is important that you say no.
• We will take the time and space to honour what has happened and how much he means to you.

Self-Talk for accepting change: the breakup Part 1

Many years ago, my boyfriend whom I loved very much, grabbed his bags and moved out of the country with very little forewarning. I was desolate and cried for weeks. His departure seemed like such a terrible thing. Twenty plus years later, he is now one of my most cherished and trusted friends.

Goes to show that I don’t know what my life will look like when the dust settles. My self-talk can help me be open to how things change even when they are painful. It can help me stop fighting what happens to me, and accept it. My inner speech can allow my life to unfold as it will. It can help me trust in the transformation that always takes place. It can help me stay calm and solid in my own center.

At the time, I didn’t know much about the power of my own self-talk. I wrote him long love letters after he left. Now I would write these letters to myself in a show of self-love and self-support, and to help guide myself to the next stage of my life.

Even when something hurts a lot, it doesn’t mean that is isn’t good for you, or that there won’t be a silver lining. My friendship with my ex is a gift. Maybe his departure wasn’t such a terrible thing after all.

As Socrates said, the secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.

My self-talk:
• Wait to see what will happen.
• Take a deep breath.
• Trust in your own life and its wisdom.
• Do your best. The rest isn’t up to you.
• You are ok.
• You don’t know what this will look like in the future. Wait and see.